Tender is the day
by Bookjunk
Summary: Cristina is avoiding whatever happened the night before, but Meredith does want to talk about it. Set after season 7 finale. Sequel to Tender is the night.
1. A hard day's night

**Chapter 1: ****A hard day's night**

The next day Cristina didn't wake up. The reason was that she had never gone to sleep. The reason that she had never gone to sleep was Meredith's snoring. This had not been a problem before because Cristina usually fell asleep before Meredith whenever she came over, but now she was actually exposed to it she found it annoying. Derek's earplugs were on the nightstand next to the baby monitor, but Cristina would rather lie awake than come in contact with his ear mucus. Derek cooties: gross. Around 3 a.m. she had heard Jackson and Lexie come home and turn in. Two hours later a heavy rain had started to fall and it almost muffled Meredith's persistent snore, so Cristina had hoped that she would catch a little sleep then. Unfortunately, it took at the same time years and decades and eras before it was seven o'clock and on the other hand it felt like three seconds and she lay awake the entire time. Anyway, Zola had started making noises signalling that she was awake and Meredith looked like she was in a coma, so Cristina dragged herself out of bed.

She changed Zola's diaper, which was less revolting than she would have thought. Then again she hadn't pooped. The whole thing was pretty self-explanatory. Which flap went where and so on; it wasn't heart surgery or anything. Zola was making happy, bubbly noises and so far she proved to be an easy going baby. Cristina quickly knocked the wood of the doorway before she would jinx it. Brushing past Lexie, who was bleary-eyed and on the way to the bathroom, Cristina took Zola downstairs. In the living room, she halted momentarily unsure of what came next. She felt hung over, despite not drinking, but perhaps soaking in Meredith's alcohol fumes all night was affecting her? Food, drink, milk, Cristina's brain offered. She looked at Zola, who supported her theory by hungrily sucking on her tiny little fingers. Carefully, Cristina threw some pillows together on the carpet and put Zola in the middle of them.

Hurriedly, she looked into the hallway closet and pushed aside three ironing boards, each with its own horrible flower pattern. An old vacuum cleaner, a toolbox and ah, there it was. The baby high chair bumped into other junk several times before she managed to wrestle it out. Cristina hauled it into the kitchen, meanwhile checking whether Zola was still alive and well, and dusted it off as best she could. Next she retrieved Zola from the living room and strapped her into the chair. This took a while, because Zola found every buckle and strap fascinating and was twisting her entire body and trying to put everything in her mouth. Eventually Cristina succeeded. She wanted to do a little happy dance, but was sure that Jackson would choose that moment to come downstairs and make fun of her. Instead, she very formally thanked Zola for being a good girl and got some milk from the fridge before she remembered that Meredith had a big bag with baby supplies. Where the hell was it? The table was still littered with liquor bottles, but despite her deplorable knowledge about babies she knew those wouldn't make good breakfast drinks for Zola.

Lexie chose that moment to enter the kitchen clutching the wanted bag.

'I peeked into the designated baby room and saw you'd forgotten the bag,' she said and handed it to Cristina, who mumbled thanks. Lexie put two pads into the coffee machine and took two little cups from the upper cupboard. Cristina rooted around in the bag, until she found a bottle heating device, a bottle and some special formula. The familiar labouring noise from the coffee machine calmed her frayed nerves a bit as she filled the bottle with some formula and warm water.

'You're such a honey bunch. Yes, you are. A pumpkin, a cuppycake.'

Cristina turned around to find Zola giggling a bit at all the cutesy nicknames Lexie was cooing at her. Lexie pointed at an electrical socket for the bottle heating device, which Cristina was sure had a less literal name than simply bottle heating device.

'Is she supposed to be in a high chair already?' Lexie inquired as she pressed the button of the coffee machine. The kitchen was beginning to fill with the scent of fresh coffee and Cristina cherished the smell.

'I don't know. I just thought that it must get pretty old to be lying down all the time. Is that bad? Should I get her out?' Cristina asked and as hard as she was attempting to sound casual, she hated the thinly disguised panic in her voice. She was so out of her depth.

'She looks fine. And you're doing fine. Relax,' Lexie said. Cristina promptly turned her back to Lexie and fumbled to plug the heating device in. A little red light went on in the side of it and Cristina put the full bottle in. There. That was done at least. Man, she was exhausted and she hadn't really done anything yet. Lexie handed her a cup of coffee and Cristina thanked her again.

They leaned against the counter for a minute, watching Zola take everything in. She was peering down at the table and the floor with incredible concentration and then turned her attention to the chair itself. Lexie fished a tiny teddy bear out of the bag and put it in front of Zola. Her interest was piqued immediately and she prodded and poked the bear, all the while giggling softly. Jackson lumbered into the kitchen too, looking prettier than he had any right to look after a mere four hours of sleep, Cristina thought.

'You want some coffee too?' Lexie asked, but he shook his head and headed for the fridge. He took out some yoghurt and muesli and grabbed a bowl.

'Any other takers?' he asked. Lexie nodded, but said they would have to eat quickly, because they had to leave for work in 10 minutes max. With impressive speed he produced another bowl, filled both and Lexie and he sat down at the kitchen table and started crunching away. Meanwhile, the red light on the device with the unknown name had turned green and Cristina assumed that meant the milk was heated.

'You don't have to work today?' Lexie managed to squeeze out in between chewing and spooning. It was really disgusting to see the chewed mixture churning around. Cristina shook her head and let a bit of the milk drop on her wrist. Hey, she knew some baby things! The milk was just the right temperature. She unstrapped Zola and took her into her arms and awkwardly sat down on a kitchen chair. Uncertain, she guided the nipple of the bottle towards Zola's face. What if she wasn't hungry? What if the milk was too hot after all? What if she had screwed up the ratio formula to water? Zola dispensed with all her doubts when she took the nipple into her mouth and started sucking. She looked utterly satisfied as she settled back into Cristina's arms staring at her with wide open eyes.

'That's so cute,' Jackson drawled and Lexie silenced him with a fierce nudge. It caused him to almost choke on the healthy crap he was stuffing his face with. At least Lexie was attempting some ladylike spoonfuls; Jackson was just eating like a pig. On the whole, Cristina was relieved she didn't have to work today. She knew Owen had to and she didn't feel like seeing him at all. Though work might have been a welcome distraction from thinking about the stupid confession she had made to herself the previous night. All three adults heard the backdoor and turned towards it to find an awful looking April. April looked a bit like Cristina felt. Now here was something who really exuded pure alcohol from every pore.

'Good morning,' April offered in a hoarse voice and Lexie and Cristina exchanged a look.

'You're just coming home now? Where've you been?' Jackson asked and dodged another nudge from Lexie, who was looking curiously at April. Unsure of how to answer, April fingered her coat and smiled at Zola. Cristina realised April was not clear on what she had said to whom last night. The feeling of a dormitory had always been prevalent in Meredith's house, but it had never been as pronounced as it was now. However, somehow it was more like an extended family feeling. Cristina, who was not a family person and didn't have any siblings, found the feeling creepy. Yet, it was also...something else.

'Get some?' Cristina asked mischievously and for a moment it seemed as if April wanted the earth to open up and swallow her whole to save her from the shame. This embarrassment was gone in a flicker and she flashed a smirk Cristina had never thought April would be capable of at them. Without saying anything, because the smirk had really been enough, she left the kitchen and trotted upstairs. Cristina enjoyed the look of confusion and shock on Jackson's face a little too much and didn't even notice Meredith entering.

Suddenly, the kitchen felt crowded with Meredith there. Lexie and Jackson ate the last of their breakfasts and Lexie told Meredith she'd babysit Zola anytime. Lezie was spurring Jackson on, who was pressing a little kiss on Zola's cheek, while Zola tried to reach his ear. It made Cristina feel very uncomfortable, more like a mom than she had felt the whole morning. She did _not_ want to feel like a mom. _Ever_. Lexie threw Jackson's coat at him, they grabbed their bags and headed for the door.

'Good day, little darling,' Lexie waved at Zola and Cristina flinched. Meredith regarded Cristina wearily. Then she shifted her attention to the high chair.

'I got it from the hallway closet. Hope that's alright,' Cristina asked as Meredith looked at it with nostalgia. Cristina was baffled by the sentiment. Maybe there were a few happy memories in Meredith's childhood after all. Zola had finished half the bottle and was visibly losing interest in it. Meredith extended her arms and a bit stiffly Cristina got up and heaved the baby into Meredith's arms. Meredith paced around the kitchen trying to let Zola burp.

'I'm sorry about you having to take care of Zola,' Meredith said, but Cristina just shrugged it off.

'Derek is off work today too, so I'm going to try and find him, since he is obviously not going to answer my calls,' Meredith said and she shifted Zola to her other shoulder.

Cristina sipped her almost cold coffee and suggested Derek might have commandeered the trailer. After effusively complimenting Zola on her burping prowess, Meredith confided she had been thinking more towards Mark's apartment, but she would look at Alex's trailer too. For a few minutes they bickered about whether the trailer was Derek's or Alex's now and eventually Cristina ended the micro-fight by telling Meredith that she thought the trailer might have been towed away at the hospital. Meredith creased her forehead in an endearing way and said she wasn't sure about the trailer either. She gently put Zola into the baby carrier.

'I could watch her some more. I don't mind,' Cristina said, though she was tired beyond belief and all she really wanted was to get some sleep.

'Thanks, but no. If I don't have her with me he'll probably slam the door in my face. She's my leverage. The cutest little leverage ever, yes you are,' Meredith explained. Before she left, Meredith added, 'By the way, when I return we have to talk about some things we said yesterday. Well, technically today.'


	2. Yesterday

**Chapter 2: ****Yesterday**

Things we said today? Well, at least she didn't say things we did today, which might mean she doesn't remember the kiss, Cristina thought. How could she have been so stupid? First of all, this was real life, not some movie; people don't magically forget shit the next day, because they happened to be drunk yesterday. It was like an Izzie-sized mistake. Cristina groaned. Not Izzie, anyone but Izzie. Secondly, she should never have allowed Meredith to kiss her. Meredith had her number. Meredith would know that it was something that it wasn't supposed to be. But the most colossally stupid thing she had done by far had been admitting to herself that at the thought of Meredith her heart felt all tender and gooey. This was just... no. A heart is an organ that pumps blood through your body and if one of the valves doesn't work you have it replaced with a pig valve or an artificial valve. A heart does not feel tender. A heart is not some storage space for feelings. Especially not Cristina's heart.

And now the secret was out. She knew the fairytale: you do not let the genie out of the bottle, because it won't go back in. Now Cristina was aware of these _feelings_ in a way she had not been before. All this time they had been suppressed and repressed with extreme care and they had not been permitted to surface, to come into full being. She could smack herself with the bottle heating device. Just hammer away. Stepping away from the device to remove the temptation, Cristina opened the fridge. She wasn't hungry. She closed the fridge. She noticed she was still wearing McDouche's shirt.

'I'll shower and get dressed and wait for Meredith to come back,' she said to the empty house. Love; it had already reduced her to some waiting by the phone sort of person.

After the shower and sniffing her clothes and deciding they would do, she decided to wait outside. It had started raining again, but surprisingly it wasn't cold. She sat down on the porch swing and the gentle motion was nice. It was peaceful and quiet and everything Cristina hated. Buckets of blood and guts and the cold steel of a scalpel; that's what Cristina wanted to see and feel right now, but it wasn't to be. From a neighbouring house a song drifted over.

'Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.' Damn, that McCartney was just full of crap. Beautiful, beautiful crap, but crap nonetheless, Cristina thought. She had certainly added to her problems since yesterday with the kiss and acknowledging her feelings, but there had already been the pregnancy and her deteriorating marriage with Owen. She was going to have to do something about that. Not the pregnancy. She had an appointment and that was going to be taken care of pretty soon. But what about Owen? She understood that he wanted to have the child and it was his child too and she was not going to play the 'it's my body' card. Yet, this corner that he'd driven her into, where she needed to do what he wanted or their relationship would be over was not a corner Cristina particularly appreciated. Nor was it a corner she was unfamiliar with.

It might as well be called the Preston Burke honorary corner. Have the baby or break up; it reeked eerily of marry or break up. She knew relationships were about compromises, but the compromises weren't supposed to be that big. She had almost married Preston, despite the fact that she didn't want to get married, because she loved him. Stupidly, she would have gone through with it, if he hadn't wanted her to want it. At the time she simply didn't want that and she couldn't want it. He couldn't make her want it. Neither could Owen make her want to have a baby. And she had no idea whether this was progress or whether she was hardening, but she couldn't have a baby, simply because he wanted one and she loved him. How was it that she was required to make the sacrifice anyway? Why should she have to have a baby she didn't want to prove that she loved Owen? Why couldn't Owen forgo having children, because he loved her? Maybe this was just an area neither of them could compromise on, because it wouldn't be fair to either of them.

Thinking about it made her angry and sad, but she was much better at being angry. She was starting to get a bit chilly, but it was a welcome distraction, so she stayed outside. With some trouble she thought about something she had done in the last couple of days she could be proud of. After some intense thinking she could only come up with things she hadn't done. She hadn't told April what she thought about her being made chief resident. She hadn't said a number of mean things to Jackson. She had refrained from telling Meredith her real thoughts about Derek. The latter was courtesy of a sort of girlfriend code Cristina thought she would never fully understand. You weren't supposed to tell your best friend her husband was a total dick. Instead you had to be supportive, unless said best friend wants to hear negative things about said husband. And even then you had to be careful, because they might reconcile and then those negative things you had said would be used against you. It was all very exhausting and complicated.

'Hi.'

Think about the devil. After greeting her, Derek asked whether Meredith was at home and Cristina said she wasn't. They both went inside. Derek looked horrible. Big bags under his eyes, his hair all messed up and not in a sexy way. Not that Cristina could ever find Derek sexy, but sometimes, if she tilted her head a certain way, she could imagine that people might not find him completely disgusting. She had an amusing thought. What if he hadn't managed to convince either Mark or Alex to provide a sleeping place and had been forced to sleep out in the rain? Cristina bit her tongue to prevent from asking. It would only lead to bitchy comments like, 'Wouldn't your self-righteousness keep you warm and dry in such a situation?' Derek was talking about how he had finally listened to the messages Meredith had left for him and how he came over immediately.

'I didn't know the adoption had gone through,' he explained and his tired eyes focused on Cristina. Was he apologising, sort of, in a typical Derek kind of way, without actually apologising, to her? They seemed to want something, those eyes. Like she was supposed to absolve him or something and she didn't know what to make of that. Her control was impressive, if she said so herself, because she stayed civil and offered him coffee. He accepted. This simple exchange changed the dynamic between them and their roles in the house. She was suddenly the permanent resident and he was the guest. He did look around the kitchen as if he had never been there before. Or maybe that was just because the remnants of last night's party were still on the table. Suddenly there was a knock on the front door and when Cristina went to open it a very chipper middle aged woman bustled inside.

Derek stayed seated in the kitchen. Either he was really that fatigued or he had accepted his diminished role in the household. The woman introduced herself as May Kepner, the mother of April and the cheery months-as-first-names theme bewildered Cristina. She quickly led Mrs. Kepner into the kitchen, grinning when she saw how worn-out Derek looked after only one glance at the woman and went upstairs to wake April.

'April! Your mother's here!'

If Cristina would have had to construe events developing in April's room after her announcement, she would say that after a few healthy curses, April reached for the alarm clock, but accidentally knocked it over. She cursed again and then stubbed her toe when she got out of bed. Swearing again, hastily pulling on of clothes, bumping into the closet. Very loud cursing and the door opened. Through slits of eyes, April mumbled something about forgetting about the visit. Cristina followed her downstairs. April looked presentable. Her clothes were a little wrinkled, because they had been so hastily assembled and her eyes were very small. Her hair was a bit unruly and she was paler than usual, but other than that she looked fine. Her mother seemed to notice something nonetheless, but presumably kept quiet until they were outside.

Derek and Cristina heaved a sigh of relief simultaneously, until they realised this meant that they were alone again. A fairly uncomfortable silence ensued, broken only when someone knocked again.

'April probably forgot something,' Cristina said to Derek and then felt like an idiot for explaining. She went to open the door, seeing as Derek never made a move to get up. Perhaps it was less of a guest-inhabitant dynamic they had going on than a lord-servant relationship, Cristina pondered. When she opened the door and saw who it was she momentarily blanked.

'Cristina,' he finally said.

'Owen,' she returned.


	3. What a difference a day makes

**Chap****ter 3: What a difference a day makes**

'Aren't you supposed to be at work?' she said, which was such an insignificant question in the situation that she almost started to laugh. Owen said he was out for lunch and had decided to come and talk to her.

'Can I come inside?' Owen asked. Cristina didn't say anything, but closed the door. Behind her, not in front of her in Owen's face, which she _really_ felt like doing. But she was never one to postpone inevitable conversations; she just wanted to get it over with.

'How did you know I was here?'

'Where else would you go?' Owen said and ok, fair enough. They wandered over to the porch swing and Owen sat down. He motioned for her to sit down next to him, but she declined and kept standing. She folded her arms in a very defensive manner. It was not an unconscious gesture and she would rather seem offensive than defensive, but she couldn't help the attitude. She felt defensive, because while Owen did look slightly remorseful for kicking her out, he also looked like he was poised for another round of fighting. He looked into the distance and then at her. It was still softly raining. He sighed and Cristina rolled her eyes.

'I wanted to apologise for kicking you out,' Owen said and weakly smiled at her. Cristina didn't smile back and said nothing. Owen sighed again. It was difficult to stand so close to him, because on the one hand she wanted to kiss him, but on the other hand she felt like strangling him.

'Well, go ahead,' she finally said and Owen looked confused.

'Apologise,' she bit out and she hadn't meant to sound so angry, but his behaviour was starting to annoy her. He was not the victim here and neither was she. They were both solid perpetrators. Furthermore, and she knew she was being overly harsh, but she had a feeling that his apology was only a way to get her to apologise and she wasn't going to do that. It was frustrating, because she understood that he felt excluded from her decision about the baby, but it was either have it or not have it. Including him didn't mean the same thing as having the baby.

'I apologise,' he told her and looked up at her expectantly.

'Thank you.'

A long silence stretched out before them. Cristina imagined Owen knew what needed to be said, but was just as hesitant as she was to be the one to say it. Or perhaps he had not arrived at the same conclusion as she had. She slowly unfolded her arms and sat down next to him. The radio in the neighbours' house was still on, but she couldn't identify the music.

'I'm still not having the baby,' Cristina said and Owen seemed to want to say something, but she continued quickly,' because I don't want a child. It's as simple as that. I know you thought I was going to change my mind about that, but I'm not. I've never wanted children.'

'You think you will resent the baby?' Owen asked and Cristina thought about that. It was possible she would resent its – it was better than him or her; more impersonal – presence, because it interfered with other aspects of her life. Yet, though she would not be mother of the year, she knew she would at least love it.

'I think I'll love it,' she admitted and Owen smiled triumphantly. His smile infuriated her, like it was some sort of victory to have her admit that she would love the baby.

'You think you'll resent me,' he stated and this was much closer to the truth. He would be to blame for altering the course of her life and despite loving him; she could honestly not say she wouldn't think it was his fault.

'I might.'

'Is that why...' Owen began, but Cristina cut him off. No, that was not why. It wasn't about her career or loving him or loving the baby or resenting someone or the painful birth and the stretch marks or losing the baby weight. She did not want a baby. This was like going in circles. Why could he not understand that?

'No, I can't just have a baby because I love you. This is not some selfless thing that I can do because you want it. You can't ask that of me,' Cristina snapped. She wouldn't yell for fear of Derek hearing. She couldn't care less about the neighbours, but she would be embarrassed it mister high and mighty got such an intimate glance into her private life.

Owen started to argue and Cristina didn't listen. It was everything Owen always accused her of, but again she didn't care. Regardless of the baby issue, did she still want to be with Owen? She tuned into the rant at the end.

'How would that work exactly? Either I have the baby and we stay married, but I carry on with my life as if we don't have a baby or we divorce and I hand over the baby to you and also carry on with my life as if we don't have a baby? I know you think I'm a monster, but if I had a child I would love it and I would want to be involved in its life,' Cristina yelled, as she stood up from the swing.

'Then what is the problem?' Owen screamed back. His pale skin was turning bright red. It was something she had always found attractive. Preston had the most beautiful dark skin and Owen had a very pale skin, which blushed easily. Meredith's skin was freckly and... No.

'I have a choice and, because I _do not_ want a child, I choose not to have a child. But neither can I ask you to stay childless because you love me. You want children,' Cristina concluded. If Cristina thought hearts could break she would have described witnessing Owen's realisation as heartbreaking. For herself she felt relieved and sad at the same time. It had stopped raining and the air smelled crisp and clean. It was strange how fast things could change. She'd finally admitted to her feelings for Meredith, she was breaking up with Owen and she was having an abortion.

The abortion was not something she looked forward to. She pretended that it would be taken care of quickly and that she was sure, but she knew a part of her would always regret it. It was a baby; a baby of Owen and her. Life with it would probably pretty wonderful; she would still have Owen and have this little boy or girl, who would look a bit like her. It would have her eyes or her nose or a bit of her personality. The road not taken could be special too, but she couldn't deny that she was avoiding it for a reason. The other road, the one that would be her future, was much more her style. It had changed a bit; Meredith always played a huge role, but Cristina hoped her role might be even bigger than she had thought, but it was still the road most desirable. It was a road with a job she loved, an amazing freedom and a great partner.

Owen looked at her with tears in his eyes and there was a brief moment where she was tempted to transform the road not taken into the road taken, then it passed. He opened his mouth as if to protest, but closed it again.

'This is it?' he whispered and his voice betrayed his emotion. Cristina didn't want to look at his face, but forced herself to do it.

'Neither one of us is going to change his mind, so I think it has to be,' she answered and she could feel the skin of her face prickling. Yet, her features remained immobile. It was as if she couldn't cry. Owen's tears were rolling down his cheeks, before he wiped them away brusquely.

'I'm sorry,' he said,' I thought... you're young and I really thought you'd change your mind.'

She sat down next to him again and they embraced each other. His body felt good against hers and when she let him go Cristina knew that, whatever her feelings for Meredith were, it would take her a long time to truly let go of Owen. They nodded and Owen stood up.

'I'm sorry too,' Cristina mumbled and Owen turned. She licked her lips and she couldn't feel her tongue on them. Resisting the urge to raise her hand to feel whether her lips, her head, _she _was still there, she thought of something to say. To make this right, as right as breaking up could be.

'Owen, I don't have to pretend to care about what you want. I care. That's why I did think about it, about keeping the baby. And I love you, but I can't. I just can't,' she finally managed. Owen nodded, to indicate he understood, and he seemed somehow grateful for what she had said. It was difficult to grasp why, because she had said everything before. Except perhaps that she had thought about it. Suddenly, Cristina was grateful for Preston. If she hadn't gone through their almost marriage she was doubtful about her ability here to refuse to compromise with Owen. Yes, she was strong and smart, but she would also push herself as far as she could to prevent losing someone she loved. Now she had managed to stay true to herself and she had lost again. She didn't watch Owen walk away, not out of her life, because we still work in the same hospital, she reminded herself; she went inside.

Derek was still sitting in the kitchen, but she could tell by the look on his face that he knew. He got up murmuring something apologetic and to her intense shame Cristina started to cry then and there. What was even worse, however, was how Derek cautiously approached her with his arms opened and how, instead of dropkicking him into next week, she allowed him to embrace her.


	4. Day tripper

**Chap****ter 4: Day tripper**

Confused to her core, Cristina shoved Derek away. She could not show her weaknesses in front of him. She could not let him be the one to comfort her.

'Are you alright?' he asked and his voice was laced with actual concern, which only made her feel worse. Somewhere deep down she knew he was a good man, but it was his sanctimonious behaviour towards Meredith that had made her distrust and dislike him and she had not been able to get past that.

'I'm fine,' she answered and she patted his arm. It was all she could do to thank him for what he did and what he did not do. She splashed some water on her face and he handed her a kitchen towel. Someone, something, please deliver me from this most supremely awkward moment, she thought. It was then that she realised Derek had not asked her where Meredith had gone, nor had she offered the information. He seemed to simply wait for her return. As far as she knew he had not even tried to call Meredith. She noticed the rain was pattering against the windows again. Her face was still tingling from the cold outside or perhaps from the emotion she had not shown Owen. Derek sat down at the kitchen table again and watched her.

'What?' she snapped and he threw up his hands in mock fear. She almost smiled at him and he definitely smiled at her. Was she starting to like him? This was really the worst possible time for such an unlikely development. She was in love with his wife and his wife had kissed her. Naturally, the kiss probably meant nothing to Meredith, but she had been silently hoping nonetheless.

She cleared away the bottles from the table and put some of them in the fridge and stuck others in a high cupboard. The limes and lemons she chucked in the vegetable drawer. The party hats and flags and tiny umbrellas she left alone; she wouldn't know what to do with them. It slightly amused her to think that Derek might deduce that they had been having a party because he and Meredith were on the outs. It was certainly something that might cross his mind, since in the world of Derek Cristina thought everything would probably revolve around Derek. Ah, she did not like him after all; she had merely discovered she found him tolerable. Relief flooded through her.

They heard voices outside and then Meredith came in with Zola, followed by Alex, who was carrying a large weekend bag. On their way from the car to the house they had both gotten slightly wet. Cristina attempted to read Meredith's face, but she could detect neither abject hostility nor happiness when Meredith saw Derek. All Meredith showed was resignation. Derek got up from his chair and attempted to say something, but Meredith shot his attempt down quickly.

'Cristina, a word?' she said and set the baby carrier on the table. Alex looked a mite awkward at being left in the kitchen with Derek and the baby and this cheered Cristina up. She followed Meredith into the living room.

'So, Alex is back?' Cristina asked and Meredith nodded.

'I'll ask Lexie whether she wants to move into Jackson's room. They spend all their time in there anyway,' Meredith announced and Cristina was puzzled.

'Can't Alex just get his old room back?' she asked. The baby room wasn't Alex's room, now was it? Otherwise that had been some very impressive fake drunk state she had been in, not to notice that.

'It's for you. You're getting the attic, until you've worked things out with Owen,' Meredith offered. Cristina wanted to say, 'yeah, about that...' but this was not the appropriate time, so she opted for a heartfelt, 'Thanks.' Meredith waved her gratitude away, then visibly steeled herself and went into the kitchen.

'Alex, could you put Zola in her crib? It's time for her afternoon nap, I think,' Meredith calmly said and Derek watched as Alex picked up the baby carrier and received some last minute advice and directions from Meredith. Surprisingly, while he did appear unsure of how to conduct himself around a baby, it was rather endearing to hear how Alex talked to Zola. Not in a baby voice, but in a warm, adult tone of voice he told her she was going upstairs to take a nap. Zola yawned and Alex wiggled his nose at her. As he made his way past Cristina she couldn't resist whispering that she reserved the right to vote him out of the house at any time. This seemed to amuse Alex and on his way up the stairs she could hear him promise Zola to tell her all about his mean aunt Cristina.

'You were really good with her,' Derek said and by the look on Meredith's face she didn't exactly consider this a compliment, so Cristina quickly excused herself and went outside. On the porch she discovered how Derek had managed to know about her break up with Owen: the window to the side was not entirely closed. Cristina could hear everything that was said inside the kitchen and she imagined it worked the other way around as well. She briefly contemplated taking a walk to give Derek and Meredith some privacy, but it was still raining. This meant she would have to go on in again and borrow a raincoat and umbrella, which she didn't feel like doing. Also, she kind of wanted to hear their conversation.

'Are you saying I'm not the absolute complete worst person to raise a child, despite the fact that I don't know right from wrong? Why, thank you, Derek,' Meredith responded and sarcasm dripped from her voice. Good one, Cristina thought as she lowered herself onto the swing. Or perhaps not so good, but that depended on what Cristina expected from the conversation. Did she want Meredith to break up with Derek? At almost any other time her answer would have been an unequivocal yes, but it was different now. They had Zola.

'I get that you're angry with me as my superior and as my husband, because I betrayed your trust in both those rules. But as a husband, contrary to what you think, you don't get to act morally superior. And you don't get to suggest that because I made one medical mistake, no, not a mistake,' Meredith paused and inhaled so loudly that Cristina could hear it outside. It was as if the new oxygen fed her anger, because Derek didn't get a word in edgewise and she continued more furious than before.

'I made one medical decision that's dubious. I told you I would do it again. You don't get to suggest that this makes me an unfit mother. And you don't get to pretend that I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I gave a patient with Alzheimer the right medicine and jeopardised the Alzheimer trial. That's what I did and I don't appreciate you making out like that is some sort of unspeakable evil. Like I've committed a cardinal sin.'

No, I've got dibs on that one, Cristina thought and she resisted the ridiculous impulse to put a hand on her belly.

'But it was wrong...' Derek protested and Cristina didn't know whether it came out as whiny as she heard it.

'As a doctor it was wrong, but was it wrong of me as a human being?' Meredith asked and she sounded so sure of herself, while Cristina knew she wasn't sure. She would do it again, yes, but Cristina knew Meredith could not help thinking what it meant for the other patients in the trial and for the trial itself.

'Did you have a party last night with the baby here?' Derek asked, since he didn't seem to have an answer to Meredith's question. His voice sounded incredibly judgemental to Cristina, but she was hardly an objective observer.

'Yes, we did,' Meredith defiantly answered, 'and if you were as concerned as you pretend to be about Zola's welfare, perhaps you should answer your phone.' There was a slight hesitation before her last word and Cristina could have sworn Meredith had meant to say 'answer your fucking phone,' but she miraculously managed to refrain from saying it.

'I was angry,' Derek said by way of explanation and he sounded tired. Everybody is tired today, Cristina thought. Meredith had probably gotten the most sleep out of all of them.

'Well, be angry _and_ answer your phone. You think you can manage that?' she retorted, but Meredith sounded a lot less fierce. Not because she was tired, Cristina hoped, but because the argument was coming to a close.

'It's different now. We have a baby,' Meredith softly said and Cristina could kick herself. Meredith knew Cristina didn't want to have children and that she was going to have an abortion, so she wouldn't consider a relationship a possibility. And, Cristina realised with a shock, she did want a relationship with Meredith. She did not only love her, as she had done for so long, but she wanted to be with her in every sense of the word. There was no choice to be made about Zola, Meredith already loved her. Even if she and Derek would break up, they would not just decide to undo the adoption, if that was even possible. So, if she wanted to be with Meredith, she needed to let Meredith know that Zola was not something that would prevent Cristina from being with her. She chuckled because this was likely the most positive she had ever been. She actually thought that there might be a chance that Meredith felt something, anything, for her and that they perhaps could have a relationship.

'I know,' Derek answered, equally softly. It was silent and Cristina strained to hear what was going on. Were they hugging it out or standing miles apart? A visual would have been really nice.

'We're not alright, are we?' Derek asked and Meredith agreed. Now if that had been Owen and Cristina she would have known it was over. They had never been two for great speeches, nor had they used the words 'over,' 'breaking up' or 'divorce' when they ended their relationship only about an hour ago. But Meredith and Derek did do speeches and declarations and confessions, so Cristina knew this was merely an impasse. It was a sort of pause in the middle of a fight that might still end up in conciliation or separation.

'It's almost half past one; don't you have a surgery at two?' Meredith asked out of the blue and Derek acquiesced. Nothing more was said between the two. Derek left. He did not acknowledge Cristina sitting on the swing and she went inside. Meredith wandered out of the kitchen and sat down on the couch. Cristina sat down next to her. They did not speak for what seemed like an eternity.

'I feel like I'm taking the easy way out,' Meredith admitted and Cristina didn't know how to respond to that, except to say that she hoped Meredith had a good reason. To change the subject, because Meredith was looking particularly morose, Cristina told her it was over with Owen. She could have bitten her tongue right after saying that, because how was that a change of subject? Stupid. But she had already blundered her way into the subject, so there was nothing she could do. Meredith turned to her and said she was sorry.

'I've got to pick up some of my stuff at Owen's. Do you want to come with me?' Cristina asked and Meredith threw her a perplexed glance, so Cristina explained.

'If I go alone I'm going to cry and he might interpret that as a sign of not wanting to break up.'

'And it is?' Meredith asked curiously.

'Just sadness.'

'Wait, let me write that down. Tears equal sadness. Just, you know, for future reference,' Meredith said and she wrote a pretend note in the air. Cristina glared at her, but with good humour.

'Shut up,' she laughed and Meredith smiled too. Her smile faded slowly, however, to make room for a most peculiar expression that Cristina had trouble deciphering. Meredith turned her whole body towards Cristina and leaned closer. Cristina could smell her perfume, very light and woody. She sat back slightly, Meredith frowned at her movement and asked the question Cristina was entirely unsure she was hoping for or dreading.

'So, ready for our big talk?'


	5. Things we said today

**Chap****ter 5: Things we said today**

'I don't know. What exactly are we going to discuss?' Cristina asked. Her mind was busy. It felt like it always had done after a night of studying before an exam. This time, however, Cristina was entirely unsure what she was going to pull out of it. It sure as hell wasn't how to perform an appendectomy. Meredith sat a little closer and Cristina was startled to recognise the move she was making. In her teens and even twenties guys had been trying this in diners and movie theatres and she could never observe the move and feel in the moment. It was the move closer, pretend to yawn and then drape your arm over the girl move and it was completely ridiculous to have Meredith put this move on her. It was almost of out of body experience. But contrary to all other times, when she tried hard to refrain from snorting and calling the move maker an idiot, an attempt which usually failed, she liked it. And Meredith didn't copy it exactly; she didn't yawn, she simply put her left arm around Cristina.

'Last night, I know I was drunk and we were only joking, you said we could never date because you couldn't call me darling?' Meredith said and the corner of her mouth almost imperceptibly moved upwards. The remark was framed as a question, but Cristina somehow knew she didn't need to answer. She suddenly felt like touching Meredith's lips, but luckily her self-control regarding touching was much better than her control regarding mocking.

'But when you thought I was sleeping you did call me darling?'

Meredith looked at Cristina's face and her arm continued to rest lightly on Cristina's shoulders. How many times had they touched and hugged and just sat like this over the years? How come that now it felt so alien? And familiar. Cristina was not a fan of these contradictory feelings. Also, Meredith's freckles were adorable; what was up with that? It was one thing to think that Meredith was smoking hot, but adorable? Cute? That was not cool. That was definitely not allowed.

'And you said something about something being just for tonight? And when I kissed you, I think, I'm not sure, but I think you kissed me back?' Meredith continued and this time an answer was required.

'The whole fake drunk thing got a little out of hand?' Cristina offered and the minute she'd said it she regretted it. First of all, huge fail, chicken shit. Second of all, why was there a hesitant question mark at the end there? Meredith could do that, but Cristina stated things; she was sure. Or she had been sure, until now. Again the corner of Meredith's mouth moved, but now it moved downwards and Cristina could feel Meredith's arm slipping away. Cristina's right hand shot out and took Meredith's hand, so she couldn't move away.

'No, that's a lie,' Cristina admitted. Meredith smiled and entwined her fingers with Cristina's, so Cristina was momentarily distracted.

'Yesterday...today, I found out calling you darling was perhaps not as ridiculous as I had thought it would be. It was still ridiculous, but less than anticipated. And I thought I could admit that I was in love with you, just once. And I kissed you back, because I wanted to kiss you back,' Cristina rambled. Nervously, she shifted her gaze from their holding hands to Meredith's face. Meredith smiled and softly kissed her, but when their tongues touched they both started laughing. They let go of each others' hands and sat a little apart, embarrassed.

'This is weird, right?' Meredith asked.

'Really weird,' Cristina responded and they shuffled a bit closer.

'But nice,' Meredith said and Cristina nodded. Cristina reached out and stroked Meredith's cheek and Meredith leaned towards her fingers. It was like a flower turning to the sun. These fingers, that had cut with scalpels, opened bodies and held organs, were now ever so lightly caressing the body of the woman Cristina loved. Suddenly, she stopped.

'Do you, you know, love me?' she asked. Meredith kissed her palm. It tingled in a good way.

'Of course. Like much more than a friend.'

Cristina leaned back, relaxed and Meredith kissed her again. They both parted their lips and waited a beat, seeing whether the other would laugh, before continuing. Cristina was the first to cautiously enter Meredith's mouth and her tongue tickled her friend's gums. Meredith repaid her by swinging one leg over her lap and sitting down on top of her. Meredith's hair was gently brushing Cristina's face, while Cristina placed her hands on Meredith's hips.

'Are we crazy for doing this?' Cristina asked and she realised a moment too late that she had spoken out loud. Meredith flipped her hair back and regarded her from above. The pose was very sexy, Cristina thought. Here they were, Meredith practically straddling her, her hands placed above Cristina's shoulders against the couch, Cristina's hands gripping Meredith's jeans and her mouth glued to Meredith's slender neck.

'Probably,' Meredith admitted as she dipped down again for another kiss. Cristina lifted her lips to receive it. Her hands were already moving up, slipping under Meredith's top, and feeling the smooth muscles underneath her skin. It was hard to think with Meredith's body pressed against hers, but there were some thoughts she could not shut out. What about Derek? What about Zola? Those were important questions and they needed answering, but for right then she would have been better off asking, what about Alex?

'This is so hot.'

Cristina froze and looked at Meredith. All she did was blink rapidly as she looked at the doorway. Composed and dignified, Meredith untangled herself from Cristina and the couch. Cristina turned and discovered Alex leering at them. She sighed and rolled her eyes at Meredith, who appeared more intrigued than annoyed.

'Want to join us?' Meredith asked and Cristina felt as if she had landed in an alternate universe. Either that or she was going insane. Quite possibly both. Instead of looking eager, as Cristina would have expected, Alex only looked frightened. Like a frightened little bunny staring into the headlights of an oncoming truck. It was pretty hilarious, until Alex recovered and stepped forward as if to claim a prize and Meredith collapsed in laughter.

'As if,' Cristina said and she shook her head at him. His wry look of amused disappointment was golden. Meredith had to hold on to Cristina to keep from falling over laughing.


	6. Good day to you, sir!

**Chapter 6: ****Good day to you, sir!**

'Alex, did you seriously think we would go there? That is hilarious. You can be so gullible,' Cristina said. Alex just nodded, as if he wanted to say that he had known it was never going to happen, but still.

'A guy can dream, right?'

He had a stupid, goofy smile on his face. Meanwhile, Meredith was still gasping for breath and hiccupping with laughter. It took her quite some time to compose herself and when she did she was completely serious.

'Alex, would you leave us for a moment? And please don't go spreading the news around the hospital,' Meredith asked and Alex made the universal mum's the word signal: he zipped his mouth and pretended to throw away the key. Or was that only the kid's version of mum's the word? Cristina was awfully confused at the moment and couldn't remember exactly.

'I'll just go upstairs, you know, to my room. I'm pretty tired actually, so if anyone changes their mind later; no thanks,' Alex said and he smirked that obnoxious smirk of his as he ascended the stairs. Cristina merely shook her head and rolled her eyes at Meredith, who briefly allowed herself a smile, then turned serious again.

'I feel like we're going about this the wrong way. We've always been very chicks before dicks, but this is a bit more than that,' Meredith said and she patted on the couch. After Meredith sat down Cristina sat down onto the couch too, but she was feeling apprehensive.

'Is it because of Zola? Because I like her, I like the baby and I will love her too. It is not... I don't... I can...,' Cristina found herself stammering and Meredith grabbed her fluttering hand to calm her down.

'Relax,' Meredith said and Cristina tried to do the small puffs of air thing, which always calmed her down and which she suddenly realised is what pregnant women do in labour. How could she not have realised this before? She shakily exhaled slowly one last time and then looked at Meredith. Despite her hands cupping Cristina's hand Meredith wasn't really in the moment. She seemed miles away, until Cristina gently squeezed her hands and she returned.

'That means a lot to me, but you don't want children,' Meredith responded and unconsciously they both glanced at Cristina's stomach for a split second. Cristina shifted on the couch. She could do this. It was like making a case for the solo surgery; except Meredith hadn't given it to her. Ok, it was like making a case for herself as chief resident; except she hadn't gotten that one either. Damn!

'It's not a choice,' Cristina began and Meredith nodded affirmatively, 'The abortion, that is a choice, but Zola is not an option. I mean, she comes with you, and I choose you.'

'So, you're okay with having a baby?' Meredith asked and Cristina joked that as long as she was not literally required to _have_ the baby she was more than alright with it. Plus, she really wasn't going to be a full parent, more like an aunt slash parent or a stepparent or something like that. Derek was definitely not going to pass on the chance of being an annoying father. There she was, being unnecessarily harsh again; he would probably make a good father. And he certainly wasn't going to give up Zola.

'My surgery was cancelled, so I'm still free. What are you talking about?'

It was like Alex's sudden appearance all over again. Luckily, this time they weren't making out. Cristina could be thankful for that at least. She got up to leave the room so Meredith and Derek could finish their talk from the afternoon, which she kind of thought she knew the end to now, but Meredith pulled her back onto the couch. However, Cristina was having none of that and she let go of Meredith's hand. No need to present a united front or anything like that. It was only Derek, but Cristina discovered she found that disrespectful even to him. It reminded her of when Izzie and George had pretended to wait to have sex 'out of respect for Callie.' They certainly hadn't been having a lot of respect for her when they slept together when Callie and George were married.

And Derek and Meredith had been on and off again for the entire time Cristina had known Meredith. There was love there. Sure, there was also highly aggravating moral superiority, but still. And they had kissed yesterday or today. Cristina might have been able to explain that away, because their marriages had been in ruins and Meredith was drunk and she was fake drunk. But what they had just been doing on the couch; that could never be filed away under mistakes. Which meant it was most definitely cheating and wrong. Which meant she wasn't going to sit there on the couch with Meredith while Meredith broke up with Derek and broke his heart. You know, if she had believed that the heart was an organ that could be broken.

Also, Cristina would never in her life willingly put herself in a situation where they could be compared to George and Izzie. Just ew. And who would be who? Would she be Izzie? Disturbing. Would she be George? Nothing bad about the dead, but he was such a dork. So, 'out of respect' for Derek – and she didn't know why she was accompanying it with air quotes in her mind, because it was genuinely out of respect – she left the room and went upstairs. She drifted from Meredith's room to Zola's, who was still sleeping peacefully, to Meredith's room again. In the end she just sat on the bed and waited.

(***)

The footsteps coming up the stairs were slower than Cristina had anticipated, but she quickly realised that while there was cause for joy there was also cause for sadness for Meredith. Meredith quietly entered the bedroom and let herself fall backwards onto the bed.

'We broke up,' she confirmed in a small voice. Cristina hadn't asked, but the unspoken question had been in the air. What was strange about this moment was that the first thing Cristina thought of was the last thing she would have expected to think of. She didn't think of what this meant for their future, or whether it would be insensitive to do a little victory dance – yes – or how she wanted to make love to Meredith right then and there; she thought about what this meant for Zola. That meant, she realised with a shock, that she cared.

'What about Zola?'

Meredith rolled onto her side to face Cristina and she managed to smile. Apparently, she was aware of the significance of this being the first question.

'We'll co-parent. That's all we've decided on now. We'll have to arrange everything in the divorce, but we did agree on that,' Meredith said and Cristina picked up on the flicker of guilt crossing Meredith's face. She stretched out next to her and stroked her arm.

'Are you worried about Zola? How this will affect her?' Cristina murmured and Meredith sighed. It was a big sigh and Cristina knew that it would take a long time for Meredith to adjust. To not being with Derek, to having a baby and to being with Cristina. But that was alright; Cristina had her own issues to deal with too and they would work it out together.

'Yes, because I feel like we promised her a family and now I've broken that promise. Now all she has are two people who hopefully continue to be able to get along. That's not exactly a family,' Meredith explained and Cristina was suddenly feeling rather hopeful.

'She's got you and Derek, whether you're together or not. And this morning, and I thought it was beyond creepy at the time, I felt that with Jackson and Lexie and April around it felt like I had an extended family. Maybe that's what Zola will feel too. You have all these people to help you with Zola and they adore her,' Cristina said. Miraculously, that felt...true. Zola would probably be the most loved baby in the world.

'That would be nice. Thanks. It will still be hard though.'

Isn't it always? That's what Cristina thought, but she simply returned Meredith's smile. Meredith shuffled a little closer and Cristina stroked her hair.

'When is the appointment?' Meredith asked and Cristina tensed. She mumbled it was next week and continued to stroke Meredith's hair. Right now she didn't feel like thinking about that at all, she had thought about that more than enough the last two days.

'Do you want me to come with you?'

'Yeah, let's take Zola too. Those people with the signs will love that. Two lesbians with a black baby going in for an abortion. They'll have a field day,' Cristina sharply retorted, but she apologised immediately. She was on edge, they were both on edge.

'No need to apologise, I get it. It was quite the day. I'm up a baby, down a husband, Alex is back and we're...lesbians?' Meredith asked and Cristina wanted to say that they were not lesbians, because Arizona was a lesbian and Callie was bisexual and they were definitely more like Callie than like Arizona. They were not perky and happy and whatnot; they were hardcore. But suddenly she felt, ridiculously, a bit redundant. As if the hospital didn't need any more bisexual women. That's a stupid thought, she told herself, it's not like we're trying to fill a quota or anything.

'We're in love, that's what we are,' Cristina said and Meredith smile was so bright that it lit up the room. She knew she was being sentimental, but to Cristina it really did feel like the room was lighter and brighter. This time Cristina was the one to straddle Meredith. And she chided herself for not doing this in college, but she had been far too busy then. As she slipped her hand into Meredith's panties, she decided she didn't want that experience anyway. The only woman she had ever wanted was Meredith. And she knew how to do this. She had years and years of practise. On herself. So, as Meredith lay back and beamed at her, she admired every freckle as she inserted one finger into Meredith. She fluttered the fingers of her other hand over Meredith's smooth stomach as she added another finger. She kissed Meredith's beautiful lips as she guided Meredith to her climax and that moment, that moment when Meredith moaned and her head tipped back and her mouth did the most adorable wrinkly thing Cristina decided that heaven did exist. And this was it.

The end.


End file.
